Shared Stories

When I was growing up I had two passions: one was God; the second was women. Though I have gone through a lot of soul searching with both, neither of those things has changed. I always felt a deep reverence and comfort in the church, and most specifically the Catholic Church. Two years ago I converted to the Catholic faith, something I had wanted to do all my life. Fortunately, I found a wonderful parish to do this in.

Two years ago in June, I discovered my true sexuality. My sexuality has been a little less easily professed than my faith in God, since, of course, there are so many attitudes that work to repress it. However, through this blessing, I realized life is not worth living unless I can include this part of myself, no more than it is worth living if I cannot profess my faith. All the wonderful feelings I had left behind, along with my ability to write poems, came back to me. I felt whole again. Even without a significant relationship on the horizon, my life has continued to become so much brighter.

To many people my being so intensely Catholic and lesbian at the same time may seem hypocritical. After all, doesn't the Catholic Church condemn lesbianism and homosexuality in general? And to many feminists and lesbians, Catholicism represents the height of patriarchy.

Yet for me there is no conflict of interest. I recognize the church as an imperfect human interpretation of Christ's perfect teachings. I do not believe that every word in the Bible is true or that our pope speaks for God. What I do believe is that God in His/Her infinite wisdom and compassion can bring forth inspiration in spite of prejudice.

The Catholic faith speaks to me, not because it is accurate in hierarchy or rule, but because it feels accurate to me in feeling and spirit.

I also know, unlike many women who are not lesbian and who fear the idea of lesbianism, that love as a lesbian is as Godly as heterosexual love is. My feelings are an experience of joy that matches the joy I feel when I watch a priest consecrate the host or present us with a newly baptized child.

I am sorry that there is so much fear and cynicism in the world that some straight people look at my lesbianism as sad and misguided (or worse), and some lesbians look at my love for the Catholic Church as naive or anti-woman. I hope one day there will be more people who can see the ability to marry their faith with their sexuality. I thank God for both of those parts of me.

My friends would always ask me if I was gay; of course I vehemently denied it. For about 10 years I seriously considered joining religious life, I even joined the Secular Franciscan Order. I would have liked to have given it a go. I've never really been interested in male companionship and children. I had a hard time accepting myself as lesbian and still do sometimes. I was raised that homosexuality was inherently wrong in all kinds of ways. My best friend from high school told me she would be more comfortable if I was a militant lesbian than if I was a nun! So when I came out to her, she said, "So, tell me something I didn't know." So I told her I had kissed a girl. She didn't know that.

I had a hard time coming out the first time. I sat in my car talking in circles to an older (lesbian) co-worker for awhile before I cried and said, "I'm homosexual." She asked if it was that difficult and of course I said, "Yes!" She recommended I find a councilor. I finally found one in our local GLBT directory. I'm finally comfortable enough to go out to bars and dance! Now If I could just learn how to be charming and flirt!

I still attend Mass because being Catholic is part of who I am. I tried to stay away from the church, but I became more depressed, isolated. Church is home to me and oddly enough, most of the people I've come out to don't care that I'm a lesbian as long as I'm happy. I stand by the statement, "A person is intelligent, and reasonable. People are irrational, and stupid."

I have always known that God has never left my side - regardless of what the church has tried to make me believe. At times, I could only hold on to a remote glimmer that I was still a child of the Lord. I left the church and I felt very alone - almost abandoned. But today it is clear to me that I was never alone - not for one minute. I want to tell other Catholic or Christian women that loving women does not preclude God loving you. Share your love for God with the woman you love and you will feel your soul take absolute flight unlike never before. God has never left us - we have just allowed others to make us doubt his undeniable, unconditional love for everyone of our souls.

I officially came out to myself when I was 25. I am now 37. These past 12 years have been quite a struggle for me; Nonetheless, I was confirmed Catholic only 5 Easters ago. I am in a relationship with a woman now who has no religious desire, which makes things even more difficult, causing me to feel I have little support. Sometimes I feel like I'm too gay to fit in at church, and not gay enough to fit in with my partner, if that makes any sense. At any rate, through all my struggles, I am so grateful for the relationship I have with God through Jesus and Mary. I'm even more happy that today is Divine Mercy Sunday, and if it's true that God sees our hearts, I feel he loves me regardless of who I love here on earth. Peace!

Coming out, for me, has been a process – like it has been for so many of us – and the process, my guess, will continue until I die. But I am realizing now it first started in the womb. Now I am not blaming my parents or God for this –or should I? For 55 years, I have heard the story about being the mistake and as long as my mother was pregnant, they wished for a boy – not any boy, but a boy named John. So gender identity – right from the start. And as far as I can remember, my aunt who worked at a shoe company, gave me cowboy boots every year for my Christmas present. It was in kindergarten when I first remember getting harassed at school when the little children from gym class laughed as they pointed to under my desk where my cowboy boots laid. And in grade school, the boys didn’t want to play football with me anymore because I wasn’t as pretty as my girlfriend. And in high school, I’d hide in the chapel holding hands with a different girlfriend and kissed her a few times at the bus depot. When my son was 4, I divorced his father. And during a counseling session about the divorce, it all came out: it was emotional abuse from my husband, I was sexually touched by my uncle when I was a pre-teen, and I was a lesbian. I realized then and still agree I did not “become a lesbian” because of the three I just mentioned. But it was this in-depth therapy (including close to suicide) that I decided it’s time to accept support. So I joined an incest survivor’s group and guess who was the facilitator but a lesbian (and who says God doesn’t provide!). So off to a coming out support group, then met “real lesbians” and my dating started. When I told the above “big three” to my high school friend, she immediately responded, “Oh, I didn’t know you are an incest survivor.” And then later, as we were joking, she teased, “Hey – where do I get off being heterosexual and you’re not?” Then when my son was 6, he questioned me, “Mommy, are you gay?” I denied it and then finally told him when he was 8 (or it took 2 years to honestly answer his question). The following year, when I bought a home with my then partner, I came out to my mother (she was 82). Her first response was: “I will always love you” – she thought awhile and then asked, “So is that why you always wore those cowboy boots?” After my partner and I broke up, my son was 13 and thought I wasn’t gay anymore – and things got rough when he was in high school when I started dating again. And now that I haven’t dated in the last 3 years, my mother (who is now 94) thinks I am no longer gay. So I joined the CCL Forum a few months ago, and now I feel like I am coming out to myself all over again. Coming out is a process for me. And when I die, and I am greeted at the gates by some gorgeous woman ready to embrace me, I will come out one final time and shout for joy: YES, I am a lesbian! And that will be heaven(ly) for me!